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Wednesday, February 18th, 2009
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i haven't posted in forever, i had sort of unofficially decided to stop. but i have recently felt the urge to write something, not directed towards anyone or any audience in particular. a lot of things have happened in my life recently, things seem to keep happening. Now, the shock has worn off and I am just living day to day, keeping my parents' lives separate from mine in my mind. I can't tell if I am being incredibly responsible and mature, or I am just hiding from the difficulties my parents are experiencing. In any other circumstance I would be inconsolable about losing our house in Oakland, but I know that my parents' have to make decisions for themselves and my dad's business. Conor and I won't be living at home anymore, so even though the thought of not going back to that house to visit my parents is heartbreaking, I can't be selfish about the change. My parents are more depressed than I am. I have never seen them so sad and stressed. My dad is particularly affected. I went home this weekend for a short visit and they were both so morose I found it difficult to engage in conversation. Things don't seem that bleak, but it's hard to know what to expect. My dad is meeting with a bankruptcy attorney this week to discuss options for his company if it comes to that. My mom says that they are just preparing for the worst, but it's seeming like more and more of a reality. Even if the company doesn't go bankrupt, my dad will have to downsize to a smaller location and possibly take on a partner who brings more capital. My mom has been working at the office full time since the fall but now they are thinking she may have to find another job so that if my dad loses everything they won't be completely fucked. The Sonoma house is on the market as well. It probably won't sell anytime soon, but my parents are currently overwhelmed by the work it needs to be a more livable property that part of them wants to bail.
Through all of this there have been times when I have been hit by the reality of what I gave up and what my parents are giving up, and it has been really sad and overwhelming. So i am mostly keeping busy with my new life in Los Angeles, working and soon to be in classes here at UCLA. Conor is still in New York, living in an apartment in Brooklyn with his two good friends. I am hoping that he will find a job and try to stay in school, though I know he is tempted to quit. It must be hard for him to be there, knowing that he is getting further and further into debt. I just want him to stay in school because I think that if he takes a break he will never go back.
I am planning on returning to New York in the fall, so that I can graduate on time in the Spring. Part of me is really looking forward to going back to be in school and New York, but another part is wishing that I could just be graduated already and moving forward with my life. I have no idea what I am going to do post-graduation, whether or not I should go to grad or law school. But I am really happy right now, making my own life, despite the sad financial and emotional state of my parents.
Charley has been a great support through all of this. Though I have recently moved into my own apartment, I have been living in his apartment since the beginning of January. He has made this transition a million times easier by just being really kind and generous.
Los Angeles is a totally different thing than New York (or the bay area for that matter), and though there are some glaringly bad parts, there are also some very nice places. The weather is unbeatable.
Now I am off to work!
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Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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fuck. i cant say one thing i want to say.
you're pathetic.
i hate you and i love you.
i wish that you were here.
this is not as good as it should be.
this isnt working.
i am talking to myself. i think.
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I am leaving for New York tomorrow morning the 20th. I will return Saturday afternoon, the 24th.
I will be reachable in all aspects except in person.
also, Got Body is in motion.
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Monday, January 16th, 2006
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actually, not really, but If anyone wants to see the GOSSIP (Jan 27th) please tell me by tonight. I am officially buying tickets for Catey, Lauren, Rachel, Grace, Andrew, and myself.
Also, Cat Power is playing at the Palace of Fine Arts on February 24th. I am not buying tickets now, but I probably will be soon so if you want to go, please tell me ASAP.
Thank you.
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Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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Sunday, October 16th, 2005
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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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20 things:
1. I have a fatty history paper to write right now that I'm not because I'm doing this. Also, I'm not sure whether to keep my thesis or not so that's pretty crucial.
2. Zeph was in California yesterday (Pacifica) and I didn't go see him, but we talked for a while and it was good. I miss Costa Rica.
3. Catey's birthday is on Tuesday.
4. Last night Kelly, Megan, and I made pesto pasta and saw Thumbsucker. Kaye was there as well. We also fogged up my car.
5. On Friday night my eyes were open and I saw everything in my room shake. Five minutes later my mom woke me up by coming into my room and turning off my light and music. Then she asked if I felt the earthquake and I said "Yes, at first I was scared because I didn't know what it was, but then I realized it was an earthquake and I wasn't scared." then I went back to sleep.
6. I'm learning musicals.
7. Since I began, I've written a page and a half of my history paper.
8. I really really want to go to NYU, but I'm scared cause it's too big, too competitive, and too far away.
9. I need a haircut and I need to dye my pink hair pink again.
10. I wish Sigur Rós wasn't sold out.
11. I want to go back to dance.
12. For the past three weeks or so, I've seen Ilana Kaufman at the gym every Saturday morning.
13. Shoes.
14. I need piano lessons.
15. I now have 2 pages of my paper done.
16. A.P. Bio reading is pretty much cancelled for tonight...Wait, no it's not.
17. 2 and 1/3 of paper done.
18. Matt and Nathan making babies.
19. Simon and Garfunkel
20. WEEDS.
sorry, no tagging. do it if ya want.
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Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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these past two nights have been weird. friday night was like, WTF times ten plus pizza and grizzly peak and caravaning to the extreme (just like the old days).
last night was actually really awesome and random. Joan, Megan, Kelly, and I went to see 2046 which is a really crazy movie and the previews are kind of misleading cause they make out like the movie's going to be this futuristic thriller, but it's not. It's about this old-school player who writes a futuristic thriller, and all his ex-lovers are in it. but i enjoyed it, though it was long and sometimes meandering. and then we had PARTY SUSHI. but we didnt order anything with cream cheese, jalapeños, or pickles so i guess it's not that cool or original. but the place was cool....in a way. I was completely on crack the entire night for some reason and i think everyone else was a little too.
anyway, today i feel like running and washing my car. i need to do my homework also.
OH YEAH, and yesterday was the Art and Soul festival in Oakland which was fun. The Lovemakers weren't that good, but Pinback was pretty chill. I think they probably are better on their recordings than in concert. also, the atmosphere was cool, but i felt really overstimulated because there were so many pretty people.
The Gossip: Thursday, October 22nd, Bottom of the Hill
Spoon: Wednesday, November 16th, the Warfield
as well as this year is going so far, i'm really looking forward to the end of highschool. but i guess i should savor the degree of financial and emotional support i get while i have it.
and also, it's hard to process, but once we all get out and go to our respective colleges, i'm probably not going to see you kids. and that's pretty damn scary and sad.
so some savoring is in order. and i plan to begin immediately.
love.
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Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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from the front
from the back
from the side...kind of.
it's pretty pimp guys. i must say. catey did an excellent job. also, lots of pretty pink bras (3!!!) and awkward adventures in the manifestations of suburbia!
tomorrow is the AIDS walk and i am stoked to do it. who's with me children. Hurrah hurray!
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This is everyone looking like they are posing for a pamphlet photo. These were some of my favorite Costa Rica kids!
the cutest boys of my life.
Comparing Megan's foot to Zeph's. aw.
Everyone in character. David is a puppy dog.
Sonia and Megan in their bikinis being extraordinarily attractive.
the gorgeous view from our school.
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i'm back from costa rica and i just want to jump on everyone.
five person spoon on the hostel floor
puncture wounds and bruises
bugbites and sunburns
dirty hair
dirty feet
vomit fever
waterfalls, volcanoes
rafting, losing trevor
line-dried laundry
canines
carlos the mountain goat
sergio singing karaoke
la bomba
gasolína
david's hickey
snakes, fruit, and tepid aguas thermales whirlpools
platonic crushes
sonia, megan, chepe, zeph, trevor, david, steph etc.
i miss chepe.
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catey and i are going to san jose to see santos & santos tonight for our spanish cultural events 2 and 3.
i am feeling pretty good, wearing a little blue dress and sunglasses, like its summer already, but its not. SAT 2s weren't that bad. skipped out on the spanish one. i'll take it in October. Lit and Math 2, not that bad at all. I was expecting Math to be a lot harder.
an unexpected and dull pain all across my shoulders and hips. over the tops of my feet and down my spine. around my waist. sore palms. sore cheeks. bruised toenails and earlobes.
and floating on my carpet dancing like its 1971, listening to Love. pretending i'll be this young my whole life.
everyone's in love and i really appreciate it. all i wanna do right now is hang out with everyone and dance and have a party and be ridiculous. i am that place.
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by the way, i perform tomorrow night.
Choral/Orchestra Concert at Lick-Wilmerding High School in SF at 7:30 pm Friday May 27th.
come if you want.
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bandworks tonight, 6:00ish pm at Ashkenaz.
i leave for new jersey/new york tomorrow and come back sunday the 9th.
thats it. love.
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Monday, February 28th, 2005
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the western pioneers penetrated the unknown wilderness, pushing deep through the brush, pulsating with anticipation. They were there to explore the lush wilderness, and exploit it for its riches. Many settlements sprang up in the uncharted regions of the west, some only a few dwellings and others much larger and extensive. the rivers that parted the land were deep and wet with fast, flowing water. The locals would dip their mouths into the wetness and drink the liquid upon their lips. the sky would become dark at night with curly black clouds framing the entrance to the heavens. growing heavy with water, the clouds let drip the salty liquid down onto the houses of the settlers. thunder starts in little erruptions and leads to greater, vibrating moans echoing in all the valleys. a lightning bolt strikes down between two long, soft hills. then, the sky is dark and silent.
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